


(Never) Surrender

by ferix79



Series: Nightmares [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Character Death In Dream, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fire Emblem Fates: Birthright Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide, gender-neutral corrin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-06-09 05:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6892402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferix79/pseuds/ferix79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander dreams of his shortcomings, and he's not sure he can overcome them. </p><p> </p><p>  <b>Warning: A character in this quite violently commits suicide, as he does in canon. Please be careful if this will upset you.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	(Never) Surrender

**Author's Note:**

> My day 2 fic for Ryoumarx week, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> [My tumblr](http://ferix-writes.tumblr.com/)

Xander dreamt of hopelessness, of a great battle that had been won, but at what cost? He wondered how many more lives would be lost as he watched Ryoma sink to his knees in front of him. Corrin was speaking to the man, trying to convince him of what, he wasn’t sure, but Xander already knew how this would play out. 

It was probably his fault, anyway. Falling for the prince of an opposing country and all. 

Behind them, his father and Iago arrived as if on cue. Corrin spouted some preposterous idea to their father about letting Ryoma live. It was denied, of course. Allowing the enemy crown prince to live…the ridiculousness of it even gave him a bit of a laugh. A bitter one, at least. 

He kept his vision fixed on Ryoma, slouched on the floor and supporting himself on his katana, while Corrin argued with their father. No, there was only one way for this to end. It was always meant to end this way, he supposed—their relationship was never meant to work out. Xander was just glad he wasn’t the one to deliver the final blow. 

His father and Iago had had enough, if the shouting was anything to go by. Xander continued to stare at Ryoma, but the Hoshidan did not return his gaze. Xander didn’t exactly expect him to, though. During their short time together, he had never thought himself truly worthy of such a great man. Maybe in another lifetime, he would be better. Maybe in a couple more lifetimes, it would work out. 

“Kill him now. I will not be kept waiting.” 

If there was one thing Xander wished he could give Ryoma in that moment, it would be a more dignified death. Dignity and honor were paramount to Hoshidan society, Xander knew, so if this was to be his lover’s fate, he wished he could give him that, at least. But, once again, he was powerless against his father.

“Do it now or be branded a traitor and condemn yourself and your troops to death.” 

Ah, father. He always did have a flair for the dramatic. 

Corrin hesitated, unable to look their sibling in the eye and take his life. Iago, too, did not like the wait. He again ordered Corrin to kill Ryoma, to prove loyalty, but before the words even left his mouth, something dawned on Xander.

Ryoma had much more pride than the puppet crown prince role that Xander so liked to play. Gruesome as it might be, Ryoma had another way out of this. He would never surrender to his enemy so easily.

“I know what must be done, and I will not allow a Nohrian to do it for me. I will end this war…my way.”

Iago squawked in disbelief while confusion spread over Corrin’s face. The telltale prickling at the corners of Xander’s eyes signaled the tears to come. He shouldn’t be crying over this—the death of an enemy—but today he just couldn’t help himself, it seemed. 

“It’s all right. Everything will be all right.” 

He knew that Ryoma was speaking to Corrin, but today, maybe just for today, he could be selfish. He wanted to pretend that those words were for him. He snapped his eyes shut, focusing only on his lover’s voice. 

“My beloved…I’m counting on you. I will…trust you. Good-bye.”

The finality, the acceptance in Ryoma’s voice was what broke him. As if he would ever just accept Ryoma’s death. Unable to hold back, Xander choked out a sob as tears began to pour down his cheeks. He would never accept his lover dying this way, but neither would he move and do anything about it. Be the crown prince. Listen to father. Kill the enemy. Be a good son. It was all he was good for. 

“I can not fall into the hands of an enemy. So I…”

The sight of Ryoma impaling himself with his own sword was the most gruesome, heart-wrenching sight he’d ever seen, Xander thought. Corrin stumbled back in shock as electricity danced across Ryoma’s armor.

“Fulfill a samurai’s…”

He watched as Ryoma struggled to breath. It wouldn’t be long, now.

“Final duty!”

Once again, Xander was proven wrong. Ryoma frying himself from the inside out with his own lightning was much worse. 

It was the scent of burnt human flesh and the memory of smoke tendrils lazily wafting up from Ryoma’s body that startled him awake. Before he even remembered where he was there were tears in his eyes. 

Casting the sheets aside, Xander stumbled to his feet. The low height of Ryoma’s futon threw him off and he fell to his knees just steps away from the bed. He caught himself on his hands—tatami flooring. The same floor he had seen Ryoma die on just moments before. Nausea overcame him, the smell from before coming back. He wasn’t sure what he was more disgusted with, the smell stuck in his nostrils or himself. 

Finally stable on his feet, Xander threw open the shoji doors and collapsed onto the railing outside. He had never been so thankful for the fresh air, even if it was ruined by Hoshido’s usual humidity. He took a moment to compose himself, wiping away the tears from his eyes. Really, crying over a nightmare? He hadn’t done it since he was very young. 

“Xander?” Ryoma’s gruff and sleep addled voice brought him back to reality. He froze, trying to act casual as he leaned against the railing. There was no reason for him to worry Ryoma over some silly nightmare. “Xander, is something wrong?” 

“No, no, not at all,” he said, turning to come back to bed, “I was just…in need of a little fresh air. Couldn’t sleep well.” Suspicion painted Ryoma’s features. Well, he had never said he was a very good liar. 

“Couldn’t sleep well?” Ryoma mumbled, more to himself then to Xander. It just wasn’t like him, Ryoma thought. “Could you close the door before you come back to bed, love? The rooms are kept cool by spells from the royal onmyoji; wouldn’t want to waste the cool air, you know.” 

A bit embarrassed at forgetting such a simple thing, Xander turned back around. He was definitely acting odd, Ryoma thought. Usually Xander was the one to keep him from throwing open the doors on a warm summer day. Though Ryoma had a sneaking suspicion, he still needed one more piece of evidence. As Xander drew closer, his theory was confirmed. 

“Xander, have you been crying?” He asked, sitting up straighter to analyze his lover’s face. Red eyes, a slight flush across his nose and cheeks. Yes, he had definitely been crying. 

The disbelief that flashed through his eyes gave him away immediately, but still Xander tried to protest. “What? O-of course not, the room was just…stuffy.” 

Inwardly, Ryoma sighed. It was late, he was tired, but, more importantly, something was bothering Xander. He did not know if he had the patience for such games. “Please, Xander,” he said, reaching forward to grab the other man’s hand and lead him down to bed before he could retreat again, “My heart, tell me what’s wrong. I want to know; it’s very important to me.” 

Xander gave in, taking a seat beside Ryoma on the mattress. “I…had a bad dream. A very bad dream. It’s just got me rattled.” Rattled was an understatement, but he couldn’t find another way to put it politely. He couldn’t think of any word in the common tongue or in Nohrian that meant ‘I want to pack my things and go home; I am not deserving of you’. Perhaps Hoshidan had something more fitting?

Ryoma took it in stride. “Would you like to talk about it? Takumi experiences nightmares often, and he always comes away feeling better after telling one of us about it.” 

Xander paused, looking down at their linked hands. As much as he wanted to be able to share everything with Ryoma, he was not ready. What would he say, anyhow? Just out of curiosity, would you ever commit suicide with your own divine weapon? Sorry, I dreamt of you dying in front of me and, while I could have saved you, I did not. Simply the idea of bearing himself like that to someone else…it did not sit well with him. 

“No, I…I would not,” he said, moving to lie back down, but still holding Ryoma’s hand in his, “Not tonight.” It was his turn to coax his partner back to bed and Ryoma willingly followed. He motioned for Xander to roll over, wrapping an arm around his midsection and nuzzling his nose in between Xander’s shoulder blades. 

“As long as you know that I will be here when you are ready, then I am perfectly content waiting.” 

Xander bit his lip, squeezing Ryoma’s hand in response. His mind was berating him, telling him over and over again that he did not deserve a love like this. It made it hard to accept Ryoma’s words, but he liked to think that every day he spent with the other man was a step towards such acceptance. 

Someday, he would be good enough.


End file.
